Friday, January 27, 2017

Episode 289: Act Like You Can Sing

Episode 289: Act Like You Can Sing
Pat and Mike play songs by actors who have recorded albums! Are these songs good? Probably not but let's give them a shot anyway. Kyle produces and cracks wise.
From January 26, 2017

With your hosts:

Pat Francis

Mike Siegel

00:00:00 Pat, Mike, and Kyle welcome us to the show. While Pat has been getting over a little sickness, he's been continuing to watch some of the Hammer horror films with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. The Curse of Frankenstein, The Revenge of Frankenstein. Frankenstein Goes Hawaiian, it's a whole big series. Kyle was sick also, prompting Mike to put up a sneeze guard around his face. Mike was able to get off the cruise early and keep his feet on dry land.
00:05:00 In February, Mike will heading on a cruise to Antarctica! How appropriate for the Snowman. It may not be the kind of snow that Mike prefers, but it will definitely be interesting nonetheless. He's performing stand up, of course, and it's a smaller ship, too. "I hope they like me, 'cause it's gonna be intimate," he notes. Pat and Mike discuss the set lengths of such a cruise.
00:10:00 The gang talk briefly about their holidays. All in all it was a joyous occasion for both the Dodson and the Siegel households. No political banter, no crying at the dinner table. Pat does note that his dad tends to say grace faster than the good lord would recommend; he burns through that thing like a Ramones concert. Anyway, after a bit more movie talk, we get to today's topic: It's a reboot of a previous episode called Act Like You Can Sing! These are actors and actresses that have put out music.
00:15:00 Pat believes that most of his picks are either Oscar winners or nominees. His first pick is neither of those, but he's got an Emmy! It's Jeff Daniels with "If William Shatner Can, I Can To" off the album Live and Unplugged to Benefit the Purple Rose Theater. Does Mike ever wish he had a guitar and a few songs in his back pocket? "Yes," Mike admits. If you can play the guitar and you've got some comedy songs that hit every age group, you're golden. Pat and Mike chat about Murray's 2016 version of "People Who Died."
00:20:00 Speaking of Captain Kirk, Mike's first pick is the man himself. Off the album Seeking Major Tom, it's William Shatner with "Space Oddity". I don't think it's even possible to call that singing, but god damn it it's Shatner! He's the man! "Don't even look up if he's won an award, I know he hasn't," says Pat.
It's 1986 and Don Johnson decides to step out from behind the camera and stand in front of a mic. Pat plays "Heartbeat" off of Heartbeat. Miami Vice seemed to fall off the rails real quick, because Kyle brings up an episode where Crockett and Tubbs get involved with an alien. Like..... an actual alien. The 1980s, folks.
00:25:00 Mike has an Oscar winner in the form of Jared Leto and his band 30 Seconds to Mars. He plays "The Kill" off of the album A Beautiful Lie. "Good for that guy," says Pat. "He's ugly, not a good actor, out of shape, so let's let him be a rock star too." Oh Pat, you jokester.
We get our first actress in the pack, who according to Pat is doing her best Sheryl Crow impression. It's "Along for the Ride" by Rita Wilson off her self-titled album. "That's Sully's wife," points out Pat. And you know what, Pat and Mike don't mind it at all.
"Because it's his second one."
- Mike, on why Tom Hanks' marriage with Rita Wilson has lasted so long
00:30:00 The truth is out there. And so is Mike's next pick, "Stars" by David Duchovny off the album Hell or Highwater. Pat and Mike agree that Fox Mulder does NOT have the pipes. Pat plays a clip of Duchovny singing the song "Let It Rain" on Kelly and Michael, followed by the studio version. "This is awful," says Pat. "When you have enough money, you can do anything," figures Mike. Maybe the aliens should have abducted his recording equipment, FOLKS! Give it up for the ladies, come on now.
00:35:00 Pat shows no mercy and plays his next awful pick, "Girl Watcher" by Jim Belushi and the Sacred Hearts off the soundtrack to According to Jim. Wonderful, simply wonderful. Mike reminisces about seeing Belushi in a production of Pirates of Penzance, Kyle goes over the synopsis of According to Jim (a truly original concept about a suburban dad getting into messy situations with his family), and we all laugh and cheer over the fact that the show ran for EIGHT STINKING YEARS!!!
She's adorkable and quirky, boop-be-doop. Mike plays "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?" by She & Him, Zooey Deschanel's band, off the album Volume One.
00:40:00 Out of the way, there's an Oscar winner coming through. Pat plays Russell Crowe & the Ordinary Fear of God with "Testify" off the album My Hand, My Heart. Singing ability aside, Russell's got that Gladiator gold under his belt.
Mike's next pick is another lady and a Black Widow to boot. Off the album Anywhere I Lay My Head, it's "Falling Down" by Scarlett Johansson. The album is a tribute to Tom Waits.
00:45:00 Mike double dips in the ScarJo bowl and plays "Relator", a duet with Pete Yorn off the album Break Up. Pat wasn't a fan of Scarlett prior to her being Black Widow; he just didn't care for any movie she was in. Lost in Translation? Sayonara. Ghost World? Booooooring. The Island? Get Lost.
Pat's next pick is both an Oscar nominee AND a superhero. Off the album The Futurist, it's Robert Downey Jr. with "Broken". The song plays during the end credits of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. Pat actually likes what RDJ has to offer.
00:50:00 The next actor on Mike's list "hasn't won shit," but he's known for being "pretty nuts." It's our boy, Crispin Glover, with "These Boots Are Made for Walking" off the album The Big Problem Does Not Equal the Solution, The Solution Equals Let It Be. Crispin singing is.... an experience.
"It sounds like someone stabbing Emo Philips."
- Kyle, on Crispin Glover's singing

Pat is baffled and befuddled. "Who would buy this?" The album is a series of selected readings from Crispin's writings and a few other "songs." "This is what he did with his Back to the Future money," says Mike.
A lot of actors go country because it's easy to fake, according to Pat. He plays an example, Kevin Costner & Modern West with "Cleo at the Wheel" off the album From Where I Stand.
00:55:00 Kevin has two Academy Awards, four albums, and the dubious honor of performing at the NASCAR Sprint Cup Race. Not the best voice in the world. We hear a little bit more of Kevin, some live fare this time, and the gang giggle at him like schoolboys. But enough about Kevin Costner.... there's some real talent knocking at the door. And he's not knocking with his hand, if you know what I mean. Mike plays Dirk Diggler singing "The Touch" off the soundtrack to Boogie Nights.
01:00:00 Mike had no idea that "The Touch" was a real song by Stan Bush, so Kyle plays a little. Then Dirk Diggler returns and we hear him belt out "Feel My Heat." Man, that movie is so good. You're my friend, right Jack? We move on to another lady, a now-sitcom star. It's Minnie Driver with her version of "Close to Me" off the album Ask Me to Dance. Minnie is on Speechless with John Ross Bowie, a former guest of the show.
01:05:00 "I don't care what you do," says Mike. "But don't even think about hassling the Hoff." Mike plays "Night Rocker" by David Hasselhoff off the album Night Rocker. Faces meet palms. Mike decides to torture us even more with a SECOND song, "Crazy on a Saturday Night". Watch out ladies, Mitch Buchannon is on the loose. And KITT isn't around to ruin the mood, that automotive prude.
If you had a sitcom, you had a record deal it seemed. Pat plays "Rock Is Dead" by Donny Most off his self-titled album. "Rock is dead and he killed it," says Pat.
01:10:00 After a brief interlude from the Cos', Mike keeps it in the Happy Days/Laverne and Shirley era. We get a taste of John Travolta and his song "Let Her In" off his self-titled album. Pat's been working with Gabe Kaplan, Mr. Kotter himself, on a project. "Did he ever say 'Up your nose with a rubber hose'" asks Kyle. "Yeah, that's why your nose is so congested," adds Mike.
Pat's next pick was in a movie that Murray's wife Mary did the costumes for. It's Jeff Bridges with "Maybe I Missed the Point" off his self-titled album. Pat and Mike agree that everybody loves Jeff Bridges.
01:15:00 Mike has a funny lady, Tracey Ullman, with her song "They Don't Know" off the album You Broke My Heart in 17 Places. Pat isn't a fan of Ms. Ullman, she's not for him. Mike admits that her comedy is very British.
Another female and another Oscar nominee from Pat. It's Juliette Lewis with "Losing My Mind" from the album Future Deep. Like many others, Pat has tried to get Juliette on the show to no avail.
01:20:00 Pat is a fan of this man. Pilar is a fan of this man. Mike has auditioned for this man. This man is Shaun Cassidy. Mike plays "Hey Deanie" off the album Born Late. Mike's sister played that song incessantly.
Pat's next pick is off the album In Search of Cleo. The song is "Cracks of Sin" by Gina Gershon. Mellow jazzy stuff from Gina.
Nobody puts Artie in the corner. Mike plays "She's Like the Wind" by Patrick Swayze off the soundtrack to Dirty Dancing.
01:25:00 Some folks call it a compact disc, I call it a Kaiser disc. Mmmhmm. Pat busts out about five seconds of "Restin' Your Soul" by Billy Bob Thornton off the album Beautiful Door. Yup, five seconds, but it sounds like a number one hit tune. Pat thinks Billy is just an asshole. "Well a lot of people are assholes," says Mike. Can't argue with that.
This song has been played a bunch of times, but she's an actress so let's hear it again. Mike plays "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" by Vicki Lawrence off the album The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia. Pat didn't watch an iota of Mama's Family. "That was the original Madea," he laments. "And they surrounded her with a bunch of duds."
Pat kicks things up a notch with his next pick. It's Michael Chiklis with "The Show" off the album Influence.
"He's been in police shows and I gotta tell you this song is a crime."
- Pat, with the line of the episode

Okay, not a barn burner, but it's Vic Mackey, dammit. The man could cave my skull in with a typewriter if I cross him. Kyle mentions that Chiklis is now on Gotham, which he and Pat dump on.
01:30:00 Rock in Peace to Ricky Nelson. Off the album Rick Is 21, Mike plays "Travelin' Man".
Oh no. Ooooooooooooooooooh no. Pat plays "Strut" by Steven Seagal off the album Songs from the Crystal Cave.
01:35:00 Steven Seagal does reggae and dancehall music. "Holy balls," says Pat. "That is horrendous," says Mike. Pat, Mike, and Kyle talk about poor Steven being an absolute mess in many different avenues. They also find a photo of him eating a carrot which they want me to post here, so.... here you go.

The gang also run down Steven's filmography and their incredible plots.
01:40:00 Mike ponders the reasons for Steven's success in Hollywood: "He had a ponytail, so people thought he was interesting." Kyle keeps reading, this time a list of Steven's character names: Mason Storm, Nico Toscani, PAULIE TRUNKS!!! But they can't spend all their time on Big Stevie. Mike keeps this Hollywood lovefest a-rolling with Eddie Murphy. He plays "Party All the Time" off the album How Could It Be. "Rick James probably wrote that in five minutes after he was up for two weeks on a coke binge," guesses Mike. That song went to #2! Pat and Mike spend a few minutes discussing Eddie's 80s filmography.
01:45:00 Kyle runs down Eddie's entire filmography with Pat and Mike judging. After the 80s, there are quite a few whiffs. Meet Dave. Pluto Nash. Norbit. Holy Man. Vampire in Brooklyn. I could go on, please don't make me go on. Thankfully, or perhaps unthankfully, Mike has one last song. It's Bruce Willis with "Respect Yourself" off of The Return of Bruno. Now I have a hit record. Ho ho ho. "Like Jim Belushi, pointless," says Mike.
01:50:00 Thanks a million to Mike for bringing the funny as always. Good luck in Antarctica, Snowman. Pat plugs the Rock Solid ASAP Club (get new episodes for the whole year before anyone with a one-time donation of $50, plus $5 a month), then takes us out with one more actor. He was surprised with how well Keifer Sutherland's music is. Pat plays "I'll Do Anything" off the album Down in a Hole.
Time Song Album Artist Who
00:15:00 If William Shatner Can, I Can To (Live) Live and Unplugged to Benefit the Purple Rose Theater Jeff Bridges Pat
00:20:00 Space Oddity Seeking Major Tom William Shatner Mike
00:20:00 Heartbeat Heartbeat Don Johnson Pat
00:25:00 The Kill A Beautiful Lie 30 Seconds to Mars Mike
00:25:00 Along for the Ride Rita Wilson Rita Wilson Pat
00:30:00 Stars Hell or Highwater David Duchovny Mike
00:30:00 Let It Rain Hell or Highwater David Duchovny Pat
00:35:00 Girl Watcher According to Jim Soundtrack Jim Belushi and the Sacred Hearts Pat
00:35:00 Why Do You Let Me Stay Here? Volume One She & Him Mike
00:40:00 Testify My Hand, My Heart Russell Crowe & the Ordinary Fear of God Pat
00:40:00 Falling Down Anywhere I Lay My Head Scarlett Johanson Mike
00:45:00 Relator Break Up Scarlett Johanson and Pete Yorn Mike
00:45:00 Broken The Futurist Robert Downey Jr. Pat
00:50:00 These Boots Are Made for Walking The Big Problem Does Not Equal the Solution, The Solution Equals Let It Be Crispin Glover Mike
00:50:00 Cleo at the Wheel From Where I Stand Kevin Costner & Modern West Pat
00:55:00 The Touch Boogie Nights Soundtrack Dirk Diggler Mike
01:00:00 Close to Me Ask Me to Dance Minnie Driver Pat
01:05:00 Night Rocker Night Rocker David Hasselhoff Mike
01:05:00 Crazy on a Saturday Night Night Rocker David Hasselhoff Mike
01:05:00 Rock Is Dead Donny Most Donny Most Pat
01:10:00 Let Her In John Travolta John Travolta Mike
01:10:00 Maybe I Missed the Point Jeff Bridges Jeff Bridges Pat
01:15:00 They Don’t Know You Broke My Heart in 17 Places Tracey Ullman Mike
01:15:00 Losing My Mind Future Deep Juliette Lewis Pat
01:20:00 Hey Deanie Born Late Shaun Cassidy Mike
01:20:00 Cracks of Sin In Search of Cleo Gina Gershon Pat
01:20:00 She’s Like the Wind Dirty Dancing Soundtrack Patrick Swayze Mike
01:25:00 Restin’ Your Soul Beautiful Door Billy Bob Thornton Pat
01:25:00 The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia Vicki Lawrence Mike
01:25:00 The Show Influence Michael Chiklis Pat
01:30:00 Travelin’ Man Rick Is 21 Ricky Nelson Mike
01:30:00 Strut Songs from the Crystal Cave Steven Seagal Pat
01:40:00 Party All the Time How Could It Be Eddie Murphy Mike
01:45:00 Respect Yourself The Return of Bruno Bruce Willis Mike
01:50:00 I’ll Do Anything Down in a Hole Kiefer Sutherland Pat

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