Thursday, August 7, 2014

Episode 160: Long Song Titles



Episode 160: Long Song Titles
Pat and Co-Host April Richardson prove that size does matter as they play songs with loooooooong titles.
From August 7, 2014

With your hosts:

Pat Francis

April Richardson

00:00:00 Pat welcomes us to the show. We're recording this episode on Mother's Day. April's mom is in town. The two of them saw Tom Jones and Morrissey in concert. The crowd was cool to Tom Jones because he's a legend. April's friend Kristeen Young opened the concert. April's mom is currently crashing in April's bed. A card for April's mom? Hell no, Tom Jones tickets baybay! He's catnip for middle-aged women. April's mom still thinks Tom Jones is sexy and has sexy moves. Ewww. There were no thrown panties. How was Morrissey? Good. April will be seeing 15 Morrissey shows in the next month, ideally. She doesn't plan on skipping any. How many Morrissey shows has April been to? She stopped counting after 100.
00:05:00 Speaking of concerts, Pat, Mike, and Kyle will be seeing Rick Springfield's solo acoustic show tonight, plus a fun Q+A. "Have fun, dads," says April. Today's coffee is compliments of Pat's concert wife Suzanne Dillingham, who donated to the podcast. Thanks Suzanne!


We've got a special Mother's Day phone call to play.

  • Nate in Amsterdam says that the correct Dutch pronunciation of Vincent Van Gogh is Vincent Van Gokh, not Vincent Van Go. A few weeks ago, Pat said that his mother-in-law pronounces the name as Van Gog. But this is America, so we pronounce it Van Go, you unpatriotic son of a bitch.
Today's topic: Songs with long titles! We're counting words, not characters. Pat's got 14 songs. April's got 50. Typical. April says that she likes keeping Kyle on his toes. Pushing buttons is a tedious task, after all.
Pat starts us off with his first pick. Off the album Sign o' the Times, it's Prince with the 9-words-long "I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man".
00:10:00 April's first song is by Morrissey, surprise, surprise. Off his album Your Arsenal, the 8-words-long song is "We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful". The song is a joke on the attitude the English have towards Northerners. You know, 'cause that whole Northern England thing is such a laugh riot.
Pat's got some old man music. Don't judge him, he just has it. The 9-words-long song is "Hope You Love Me Like You Say You Do" by Huey Lewis and the News from the album Picture This. Pat thinks Huey doesn't hold up, but April loves him. Seriously, he's her 1985 dream man. Pat doesn't like him because in college, the douchier guys played Fore! and Sports a lot. And poor Pat was probably there with his Neil Diamond albums that no one else wanted to listen to. They ruined it for him. Pat saw Huey Lewis and the News open for Loverboy a few years ago. Huey was better.
00:15:00 Pat and April briefly get into buying albums you already have. Pat just bought Labour of Lust by Nick Lowe even though he already has it. "But it was on sale," says Pat. Sounds like hoarder talk to me.
Somewhere in this pile of trash is a copy of a Mary Chapin Carpenter album that Pat will never play.
April's next pick is a country man, Roger Miller. Off the album The Return of Roger Miller, it's the 8-words-long "You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd". April owns a Roger Miller boxset. She doesn't listen to anything unironically.
The Boss isn't afraid of making some long song titles. Off his debut album Greetings from Asbury Park, N.J., it's Bruce Springsteen with his 9-words-long song "It's Hard to Be a Saint in the City".
00:20:00 Some weird timeline issues to address: the Bruce Springsteen live show will have already aired by the time this episode premieres, but it hasn't been recorded yet. Pat brings up Bruce Puppet to April and she loves it. Pat realized that when you have a puppet, you can say anything and just blame it on the puppet. Racist jokes, bomb threats, anything. Pat's kids wanted to play with the puppet, but he yelled at them. It's his puppet, dammit! He even taunted them with the puppet. What an immature ass. Pat says that they can play with the puppet after the live show. More likely than not they're gonna destroy it.
April's next pick is her old favorites The Housemartins. It's the 7-words-long song "The People Who Grinned Themselves to Death", off the album The People Who Grinned Themselves to Death.
00:25:00 Pat and April play music 24/7. Pat has a Queen lyrics book. The other day he was listening to the songs and reading along with the lyrics at the same time. Kyle caught him, but Pat has no shame. No shame! It's his thing. Pat's next pick is another of his favorites, Cheap Trick. Off their album All Shook Up, it's their 9-words-long song "I Love You Honey But I Hate Your Friends".
The next song on April's list is by a band called My Life Story. The song is the 12-words-long "If You Can't Live Without Me, Then Why Aren't You Dead Yet?" off their album Joined Up Talking.
Pat's next pick is a sad song. Off her self-titled album, it's Carly Simon with "That's the Way I've Always Heard It Should Be". The song is about your parents' getting divorced, your friends' getting married and being miserable, and your boyfriend pressuring you to get married. What a bummer. Pat keeps forgetting that April used to be married.
00:30:00 April got married at 23. It lasted five years and she's still friends with her ex-husband. The wedding took place in her parents' backyard. April says the next time she gets married, she wants to walk down the aisle to the Peter Gunn Theme. "As long as it isn't George Thorogood," says Pat. He's overplayed. But you know someone has done that. Especially if that someone is missing teeth.
Let's go to a land down under with April's next pick, The Lucksmiths. Off their album Warmer Corners, the 8-words-long song is called "The Chapter in Your Life Entitled San Francisco".
Pat saw pictures of a young April on Facebook and she looked a bit... husky, to put it kindly. April says that she wasn't fat, she just wore big clothes because she wanted to hide her burgeoning boobs. She was a tomboy and wasn't entirely psyched about her blossoming femininity. But she started wearing dresses eventually.
00:35:00 April was chunky in senior year of high school, though. And she was fat as shit in college. Too much focus on classes and not enough on physical exercise. See, kids? Put those books down and go outside. Why bother studying when you can play hopscotch and jacks with your chums!
"Weirdly the t-shirt I saw you wearing had two fried eggs on it."
- Pat, with the line of the episode.
Pat's next pick is by The Ramones and is off their album Subterranean Jungle. The song is the 10-words-long "Everytime I Eat Vegetables, It Makes Me Think of You". Speaking of food, are you watching Chopped? How about The Chew? Or Cutthroat Kitchen? Pat, April, and Kyle bring up all three of those shows.
April's next pick is a guy by the name of David Dondero. Off his album Spider West Myshkin and the City Bus, the 8-words-long song is called "Me First at the Expense of Everybody Else". April narrates the charmed life of David Dondero. To sum it up, he's a reclusive drunk. Rock and roll, woooo!
00:40:00 Kyle has two degrees: One in film video production and one in information sciences and technologies. Something tells me that second one doesn't come into play a lot. Anyway, Pat's next pick is the 10-words-long "So You Want to Be a Rock 'n' Roll Star" by The Byrds, off their album Younger than Yesterday.
April's next pick is by Manic Street Preachers. Off their album This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours, it's the 9-words-long "If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next". April loves the Manic Street Preachers. She waited a long time to see them live because they don't really play the States. How long are you willing to wait for a band? April will wait forever. Pat and Mike saw The Pretenders and waited backstage to meet them. Mike left early, while Pat stayed around in the cold.
00:45:00 Pat and April think that you might as well wait because you're already there. And you never know, they could come out at any minute. Pat met Bruce Springsteen backstage after his friends left because they wanted to go home and didn't want to wait. But Pat waited. Those lame friends wanting to go to bed, bah! Who needs 'em!
This guy is still waiting to meet The Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Stay strong, brother.
The next item on the docket is Pat's next pick The Rolling Stones and it's off their compilation album Big Hits (High Tide & Green Grass). The song is the 10-words-long "Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing in the Shadow?". What is that song about? Pat thinks it's about mothers dropping their unwanted babies off at orphanages. I guess that's what happens when you... spend the night together. Ba-dum bum.
April's next pick is by Sparks. It's the 14-words-long song "I Can't Believe That You Would Fall for All the Crap in This Song" off the album Exotic Creatures of the Deep.
00:50:00 Pat gives apologies to The Beatles for their long song title "Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey." It's too bad we couldn't give those guys a break.
Instead Pat plays another British Invasion band, The Kinks. He plays the 11-words-long "Nothin' in the World Can Stop Me Worryin' 'Bout That Girl". That song was in Wes Anderson's movie Rushmore. Pat can't let his daughters watch most Wes Anderson movies because they're rated R. Pat never swears around his kids. But Pat also has a friend named Dick, which causes his daughters to giggle. It's a funny name, got to give them that. April's mom does not like cussing. Pat's brother swears like a sailor.
00:55:00 There's a time and a place for swearing. Behind closed doors, Pat and Pilar swear up a storm about their kids, no doubt. Pilar has slipped up in front of the kids. Kyle used to not be allowed to swear, but his brother could swear as long as he was watching sports. Those wacky Dodsons.
Back to the music! April's next pick is by a band called The Bluetones. Off their album Science & Nature, it's the 12-words-long "Autophilia (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Car)".
01:00:00 Up next is Pat's latest musical obsession, Joe Jackson. The 12-words-long song is "You Can't Get What You Want (Till You Know What You Want)", off the album Body & Soul.
April's next pick is the 8-words-long "The Pop Singer's Fear of the Pollen Count" by The Divine Comedy, off their compilation album A Secret History... The Best of The Divine Comedy.
Pat has a friendly warning for everyone: Make sure you listen to your CDs first before you play them in the car with your kids. Case in point is Pat playing a brief snippet of "Battleground" by Joe Jackson. Joe says "nigger" right off the bat. Luckily Pat's daughters weren't in the car at the time when he heard it, or else it would have made for quite the awkward car ride.
But that's not Pat's pick, obviously. He's ready to drop a shit bomb on all our laps with his real pick, Meat Loaf. Off his album Bat Out of Hell II: Back into Hell, it's the 12-words-long craptacular "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer than They Are". Oof. That was some high school theater-level performing.
01:05:00 April's next pick is a piece of Grrl Riot, yeah! It's Mondo Taxi with their 12-words-long single "Do You Always Dress Like That in Front of Other People's Boyfriends?".
Pat's next pick kicks ass and takes names. It's AC/DC with the 13-words-long "It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock 'n' Roll)" off of High Voltage. Take your renaissance fair shenanigans and hit the bricks, Meat Loaf, because that song rocks.
Ser Meat of House Loaf
So you wanna learn British slang, do ya? Well you're in luck, because April's next pick is the 12-words-long "I Didn't Get Where I Am Today by Being a Right Git" by Diagram Brothers off the album Some Marvels of Modern Science.
01:10:00 The word "git" means a silly, incompetent, stupid, annoying, senile elderly or childish person. So to use it in a sentence, Pat Francis is a right git. But he's our right git, so we love him for it.
Pat's last pick is by The Police. Off their album Zenyatta Mondatta, it's the 14-words-long song "When the World Is Running Down, You Make the Best of What's Still Around". Sting used to be so hot and cool. He had a nose job too. The Police were so rad. But what happened to Sting? He's wearing turtleneck sweaters, engaging in tantric sex, playing a lute. April says that people mellow out when they get older, but it shouldn't happen to everyone. Look at Springsteen. He's in his sixties and bouncing around onstage like a kangaroo on angel dust. And it's not like Sting isn't in shape, because he looks good. The Police reunion just wasn't the same. April hopes The Smiths don't get back together because it won't be the same.
01:15:00 April's last pick is an obvious choice. Off their album Document, it's R.E.M. with the 14-words-long "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)".
We're outta time on this one, folks. Kyle plays us out with Fall Out Boy and their 19-words-long song "I Slept with Someone in Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me" from the album From Under the Cork Tree.
Time Song Album Artist Who
00:05:00 I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man Sign o' the Times Prince Pat
00:10:00 We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful Your Arsenal Morrissey April
00:10:00 Hope You Love Me Like You Say You Do Picture This Huey Lewis and the News Pat
00:15:00 You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd The Return of Roger Miller Roger Miller April
00:15:00 It's Hard to Be a Saint in the City Greetings from Asbury Park, N.J. Bruce Springsteen Pat
00:20:00 The People Who Grinned Themselves to Death The People Who Grinned Themselves to Death The Housemartins April
00:25:00 I Love You Honey But I Hate Your Friends All Shook Up Cheap Trick Pat
00:25:00 If You Can't Live Without Me, Then Why Aren't You Dead Yet? Joined Up Talking My Life Story April
00:25:00 That's the Way I've Always Heard It Should Be Carly Simon Carly Simon Pat
00:30:00 The Chapter in Your Life Entitled San Francisco Warmer Corners The Lucksmiths April
00:35:00 Everytime I Eat Vegetables, It Makes Me Think of You Subterranean Jungle The Ramones Pat
00:35:00 Me First at the Expense of Everybody Else David Dondero Spider West Myshkin and the City Bus April
00:40:00 So You Want to Be a Rock 'n' Roll Star Younger Than Yesterday The Byrds Pat
00:40:00 If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next This Is My Truth You Tell Me Yours Manic Street Preachers April
00:45:00 Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing in the Shadow? Big Hits (High Tide & Green Grass) The Rolling Stones Pat
00:45:00 I Can't Believe That You Would Fall for All the Crap in This Song Exotic Creatures of the Deep Sparks April
00:50:00 Nothin' in the World Can Stop Me Worryin' 'Bout That Girl Kinda Kinks The Kinks Pat
00:55:00 Autophilia (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Car) Science & Nature The Bluetones April
01:00:00 You Can't Get What You Want (Till You Know What You Want) Body & Soul Joe Jackson Pat
01:00:00 The Pop Singer's Fear of the Pollen Count A Secret History... The Best of The Divine Comedy The Divine Comedy April
01:00:00 Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer than They Are Bat Out of Hell II: Back into Hell Meat Loaf Pat
01:05:00 Do You Always Dress Like That in Front of Other People's Boyfriends? Single Mambo Taxi April
01:05:00 It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock 'n' Roll) High Voltage AC/DC Pat
01:05:00 I Didn't Get Where I Am Today by Being a Right Git Some Marvels of Modern Science Diagram Brothers April
01:10:00 When the World Is Running Down, You Make the Best of What's Still Around Zenyatta Mondatta The Police Pat
01:15:00 It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine) Document R.E.M. April
01:15:00 I Slept with Someone in Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me From Under the Cork Tree Fall Out Boy Kyle

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